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The Archknight's Storythe archknight: memories are a mirror to my past, an ethereal form of my present, and a reference for my future. thus, sundering or parting with my memories is equivalent to have me bereft of my own life...
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August 27 of the failure of courage and honesty to the hearttwo months have gone past since i last posted here, thus one may ask me for the reason of posting today. it is simple -- simply because i have another story to tell, and to narrate of my sights upon it upon reflection. this time it is my own story from the mind, however, not some other events which i have seen on other people and i express my own insights towards that particular event... it is not, but this time i will need your insights or in simpler terms, opinions on this matter... a dilemma which has haunted the mind of the archknight for the past 2 weeks, threatening to tear his focus apart...
on 15th august 2009, on behalf of answering the request of the order of the 5 and some other 'collaborators', i made myself present on an event despite my own misgivings prior to that moment. if you ask me what the event was, this one i will not answer, as most of the others would have narrated the story for that event on their behalf or from their angle. as i have aforementioned, this is solely a story of my own, and i do not want to take on the tales of others to add in here...
as usual, that day was as usual, unlike any other, until an hour almost the end at least.for at that very hour when all arise from their seats to engage themselves in their dances and so on, i stood right the center, looking at the whole hall, silent. there i saw her once again, looking at her friends who were mostly dancing in front of the stage.... and then something went to trouble me, for i do not know whether i should ask her at all... (for what reason, i choose not to tell, for those who know, kindly keep it in your mind) this expression, which was obvious in my face as an expression, was quickly seen through by both the archbishop and the judge, who promptly asked me to go ahead and make the request
it was one which i hesitated to, one which i do not have the courage to face, it was indeed one.. that will make me reflect this utter weakness...
in the end i mustered forth my courage and went to ask her, however it was too late -- the time of departure has arrived, and right at my eyes, she left...
that was 3.59p.m., and at that moment it was raining. rain, its presence was somehow (to me) as though as singing my laments and despairing thoughts, which i promptly reflected when i reached home.. a thought which would haunt me for 2 weeks...
"are you brave enough to actually know what you want, and to pursue it with your own hands?"
"do you ever looked into the depth of your heart, and listened to its pleas and requests?"
"if so, what makes you hesitates to [ursue or to request or to covet what you have desired or wanted?"
no answer from my mind. yet one of the questions was answered, though not knowingly, by none other than the shinigami herself, which answered my own question in a manner which can described as a needle which draws blood in a prick (id est. straight forward)
"do you know what is your own predicament? you are not honest towards your own heart. nor you trusted it.."
"is it so?"
"yes, i have observed you for this past year, and i do not understand, how come you deny your own potential when it is so apparent in our eyes? why don't you pursure your desires which your heart commands? why turn back on it?"
turn back? now i know, and i understnad, that it was because of fear that impeded my pursuit of my desires... now, one may ask, fear of what?
i feared the insights of many others, who used to sneer at many of my efforts, as well as most of my works here. "long", "incomprehensible" are among the words they use. yet don't they know my own style? secondly, i feared the consequences that may befall should i fail, thus i think too much whenever i wanted to decide upon something, just like the aforementioned case, by the time i have made up my mind, the chance is gone...
thus the first part of this story has ended, now for the second part...
on 22nd of august 2009, i have attended the farewell for the form 5 seniors from the chinese club. there we had barbecue for dinner, after that we had a great time taking pictures and stuff... (the pictures are uploaded on this site as well, do take a look at it) all sorts of fun were there...
yet, the focus of this part of the tale was not of it, it was of something else...
rather unexpected, the shinigami showed up, and throughout that evening i narrated my experience on photography, as well as grudges with certain people (like one who backstabbed all of us during that fateful session), including the past memories....
the touching part, however, was when she offered a lift to my grandma's house, considering the late of timing for that day...
i thought over it, why? why one who is not even of my distant bloodline, one whom i frequently insulted and expressed of my grudges against, would do such a thing?
once again, i have yet to discover the answer to this question, thus i need your views on this matter. again she commented that i refused to face my own heart and instincts, which leads to missing many opportunities in life, true or not? yet to be answered...
this chapter of my tale ends here, and as the trials officially commences next week, i hereby wish that all of you can score well in this "examination of destiny", where all our skills will be put into the test...
the archknight, 27th august 2009, 4.17p.m.
June 28 of the one individual who prizes her treasures above the lives of sons and daughters true enough, i had once again did something sinful, this time shattering a plastic elephant which is rather important for the feng shui formations for the house in order to harbour the auras of prosperity and such... of course i held myself guilty, yet i will never express this feeling openly (one thing which no one can actually understand the reason, nor i will actually reveal it anyway, discover it yourself if you ever bother to do so...) deep within my heart remorse exists, and i thought of buying some super glue to repair the damage done... however, there is something that happened soon after that really angers me, though because of her i was forced to suppress it within my heart. it was then my mother asked me, "did you know how much this cost or not?" what on earth?! so now she value the cost of this treasures more than the lives of her son... considering i cut my finger at that moment. for that particular moment, rage and anger mastered my remorse, and i decided to just walk away, disregarding any word that she hurled at me... it was just a precursor to the explosion which at any rate it may happen... for long i have suppressed the anger and hatred towards her for the lack of attention she gave... true enough, i cannot deny the fact that she was the very person who bestowed me my very life 17 years and 49 days ago, i cannot deny the fact that throughout these years she took great care of me in a corporeal sense. corporeally i was protected from harm... also my requests and wishes she tried her best to fulfill it. i cannot deny the fact that -- without her, my life cannot be sustained by any means... if that's the case, some may ask, why the anger and hatred? the reason is simple, if she thinks that she knew every side of me, whether corporeally or ethereally, then it is a grave assumption, for it is never true. seriously, apart from fulfilling my needs physically and did everything for me, i wished to ask a question: did she ever attempt to fathom my own thoughts and mind? i seriously doubt it... for hardly there is time for doing so... out of the 168 hours a week, 56 hours were spent for sleeping, 70 hours for work. what about the balance 52 hours? 16 hours of completing both housework and office work, and for the rest 36 hours spent for television... hehe, when one is on work one will never want to be disturbed, this is understandable.. however, 36 hours spent on television without even bother to attempt to understand how the minds of her children work of late is simply preposterous!!! just imagine these following replies... "there is something i wished to ask you of it?" "go ask your father about it..." "there is something i wished to tell you..." "don't you see that i'm busy watching TV?" or "don't you see that i'm busy with work?" sometimes it just get even better... like "refusing to think after dinner" and such.. alright, i agree that one must rest after sustaining 10 hours of stress and fatigue... thus i tried not to trouble her with my matters whenever i could... yet, of late i think she gained the impression that i do not need anyone to listen to my plight, as others will listen... or even better, my mind remained calm... condemn such a thought! from the past until this moment, i personally thought that parents are all-knowing such that i do not need to reveal anything for them to get a hint out of it... secondly, whenever i attempted to ask her for counsel and reason, what did i get in return?! nothing other than despairing and spirit-breaking comments!!! i can tell you this, it is the main reason for my choice of occluding and shrouding my mind from her eyes at all, which is to say, unless father tells her, she will never know what is going on between me... she mentioned this to me numerous times before, "you people are driving me mad!!" to this i wished to retaliate with a sentence of my own -- "i think i will be admitted into an asylum before you do!" which is actually true to a certain extent... facing her intensifies my already great stress, as i could find no shelter and counsel nor any word of advice... instead i get a hell out of it! that question of cost mentioned above, actually confirmed my doubts -- one could be that realistic to the extent of beholding the worth of things of fortune above the lives of others... a dead substance's worth which surpassed the worth of a living... a superstitious mindset than a living yet remain functional mindset... frustrated and angered i am.. if that's the case, there is nothing wrong to exact my expression of rage and displeasure of it! let the archknight ask this question, apart from fulfilling my needs, is there any attempt in you to approach me with questions of care and mind-caring? i will never deny that father did it frequently, yet as for her... if she ever dared to say "yes".... with proof, then i plead myself guilty. however, for the past 3 years i have evidently failed to perceive it. how many things about me apart from my favourites she knew? less than half, i can presume. thus do not blame me if she said that i treat her as though as i treat a stranger... it is almost the same... since she hardly bother to know me in terms of my mind.. then why should i reveal my thoughts to her.. and without hope of being counselled wisely, only to suffer a hell of reprimandings... thus when she said that "do not call me as your mother from now on, you are no son of mine!" i never feel shocked, as i have long expected it... this relationship has already detriorated to such a degree that we are mutually estranged from each other. i turned myself into books and wisdom, as well as the making of friends and notably, the writing of "The Legend of the Order". it is just because i still hold respect to her at times that i have never seriosuly exploded yet. it will soon come to pass, for she never understand some of my darkest emotions of late never before she asked of the purpose for me to write "The Legend of the Order", thinking it as something preposterous and time-wasting, nor i bothered to actually waste my time to explain of it. secondly... she blamed me for holing up in my room all day, again never understanding the reason...never she asked me why did i use the word "archknight" as my nickname? had she knew it long ago, do i need to keep everything in my heart? do i need to suppress my rage and emotions without knowing where to release it? do i need to reveal my secrets to everyone else for advice and counsel without her knowing? do i need to avoid her knowledge about my whereabouts all the time? the answer -- i do not think i need to.... 17 years... the last 5 years is like a dormant volcano, i myself am unsure of when it will erupt, causing the ultimate momentum and damage... this suppression and occlusion is taking a heavy toll on me, tormenting me both corporeally and ethereally, yet none could understand. as such, i could only turn to the five for aid and guidance, from there i manage to seek what i wished for... if this carries on, i think she will really drive me to the brink of insanity...:( the archknight, 28th june 2009, 10.14p.m. May 22 of the bane of the night "destiny -- taiyou no hana"... one may question me, why is this song so appealing to me, such that i could listen to it for more than 1400 times in total? (the figure is just an estimation) the first who asked this question is none other than the archduke, then followed by many others... "there was never a time when i can see that you are not listening to the song at all? what is it so great about it?" -- the archduke, 10th november 2008. "won't you get bored after you have listened to it for about a hundred times?" -- the judge, 13th november 2008. "again as i have said, there is no crime in listening a song repeatedly, it is just an inclination of your interest towards the meaning of it. so long as it does not interfere with the life of yours and the others, you should not be denied the right to listen to anything you love..." -- the archduchess, 15th november 2008. "i can see that the meaning of the chorus reflects the truth that is hidden within your heart for years..." -- madam bj, 15th january 2009. all of them may have known it, but none of them could understand, as quoted. "there is always a layer of mist that serves as a barrier from the clear sight of the flower should you choose to see it inside the mist". even though they knew that it brings great impact to both sound and mind, yet few know the reason of so... until i absolutely refused to try to explain to them, nor i am inclined to do so... those who know me well should know the actual reason behind.. (one hint: look into the chorus of the intervals 1:06 - 1:35, the translation will provide the answer) why the title of this post today? in fact it will not be easy to explain, as of previous posts even with the bizarre nature of the words that are used for my heading, this is altogether a different case. for those who could not understand, or do not even bother to understand, the word "nightbane" is actually a combination of two words -- night and bane. when combined, it simply means "one who conquers the darkness of the night and appears as the bane of despair", which in this case serves as the beacon of light that is burning within my heart, and it has something to do with the song which i have aforementioned... that song is actually a catalyst that started a chain transformation in my mind. i downloaded that song in random and i found the lyrics, though unable to comprehend it at once, extremely intriguing. later on i found out that it is the theme song for the anime "black jack 21", which i began to watch around the beginning of this year. it opened my sights to anime, which i did not even set my eyes upon before... from this, i learned many things from anime which no one can tell me, not even the teachers who are extremely wise can do so. i understand that sometimes one can never deny the power of miracles that may happen at any time of your life, especially those critical times when you despaired or gave up entirely for lost. i regained my confidence as a result, knowing that although miracles may happen, it must be forged by your own hands, no one else can assist you in doing that. with that knowledge, i continued to expand my wisdom, in expense of almost everything else, i forsook my emotions, effectively severing it from clouding my mind in my quest of seeking knowledge... however that is not the main thing... from that song i sensed despair from the singer, especially at the 10th stanza (at intervals between 3:26 - 3:55) and the last two words at the end... it proved to be a close mirror to my emotions of that time, when i knew that im denied to the end, without towers to destroy at all. the chorus further reflects the devotion of the singer to the person which she took great regard, albeit without anything in return... it mirrored me to be honest to my emotions, and try to embrace it to seek greater faith... yet i failed. i dare not fully embrace my emotions once again, for fear of being injured in the heart lest things that are beyond my expectations turned out. as a result i have learned to expect the worst, severing my ties with emotions except for anger and despair. i forsook the way to care for people, knowing that it will bring me nothing except disappointment. i chose to pursue more knowledge with everything i have in expense, sometimes even involving arguments that can evolve into big fights solely to prove my point, for i know one thing for sure... i cannot lose at all, not when the light of the lunar grace is shining above the night sky. i cannot give up, not when the moon is shining the light to all while im farming. i have to own back the entire game, to become the bane of night where i defeat everything that stands in my path, ultimately leading the light of the sun to dominate the sky. thus, in conclusion, that song not only let me think of the directions which my heart mirrors to, but also opening my mind to greater degree of knowledge and wisdom, as well as to remind me... own this game for your own sake, not for the others. do not entrust the others in assisting you, for they also covet the same thing as you do. there are still two more papers to go, so try your best to counter-balance your disadvantages, and may the grace of the sun shines upon you, to become the bane of night where all your despairs and disturbance will be driven away from occluding your path to your success... from the archknight, 22nd of may 2009, 9.37p.m. February 28 of the leaving of a legend looking at this heading one may wonder, why on earth did i use such words to describe my post? the answer (or rather the reason) is actually very simple, and very obvious -- someone whom i extremely respected and revered left. by this description, who on earth would that person be? there is only one answer to this question: pn.khoo the elven queen... the tides of time and misfortune befall upon us as she chose to retire before our leaving at the end of this year, even though we had more or less expected this to happen since last year, this incident came to us as a surprising and shocking news, as no one had wish for her to be gone, let alone for eternity... a legend, a prodigy, a beacon of hope, a resurrection. these are the words i actually used on stage yesterday when i present to her personally my last gift, apart from the photos which exhibited a great deal of storage in terms of memories. unique and distinctive from other people, never before we expressed any negative thoughts nor harbor ill feelings against her. on the other hand, she never really reprimanded us for our mistakes, the worst being asking us to stand outside the class... her presence for the last four hundred and one and twenty days surely left an impact on every soul which she taught, however the impact on me was much greater than the others, for a few reasons...first, there seems to be some sort of mutual connection between us, such that i felt i could entrust her with most of my secrets which i dare not reveal even to the order of the five. in return, she provided counsel and wisdom which i sought for a very long time. many of my predicaments were solved by her word alone, and i never failed to apply it again should the same problem arises. secondly, her word is like something which is able to revive or resurrect a person, not in terms of life and death but in terms of hope and despair. i recalled the moment last year when i was at the verge of failing additional mathematics. looking at the high master who scored 51 points more than me (a beyond-godlike streak which shocked the entire form), i despaired and felt disillusioned, even feeling suicidal. fortunately for me, she did not chain-blast me for my low marks as others, notably that son of a gun, would have done. instead, she consoled me and recommended ways of strengthening my mastery and grasp of the subject. i did as what she said, and i began to analyse a lot of sums and problems, ensuring complete understanding of the topic and as well as knowing my own mistakes and the reasons why i did so. all these high spirits of enthusiasm, pursuit and determination are the culmination of her word, which at that time reignited my will and resurrected my soul, such that i vowed to work hard for the better... third, never before she would forget days which are meaningful to us, id est. our birthdays. every beginning of the month she would bring a bag of expensive chocolates to give us as a gift. though we literally took the chocolates for granted, deep in our heart we appreciated her gratitude. not only birthdays, when times of festivities like chinese new year comes, she would indulge us with delicacies like cookies, pineapple biscuits, sweets and many more. where would you be able to encounter a teacher who can be so generous? fourth, to say that she really embrace her heart and emotions to teach us the art of maths is actually a true statement. though sometimes she could really get serious when comes to work submission and letters of absence, she had a great sense of humor during classes which killed all our boredom when facing math concepts, especially when it came to diffrentiation and solution of triangles, which are easily the most boring topics one could imagine. yet she could just explain in a way where everybody would get excited and eager to do. the effect was such that when someone did not hand in his or her work on time, automatically he or she would feel the remorse gnawing at the mind... additionally, her emotions spilled through her words, notably the time when she marked our papers during our final year exam last year, i heard she nearly or even actually shed her tears due to our mistakes... lamenting our failure.... finally, not many teachers would actually save their students from trouble, and she is indeed one of the exceptions. i remember that time (refer to the post on 8th or 15th november.. either one of them) i was required to pay a fine due to my lateness in returning. however i was unable to do so due to lack of small change, and to make things worse, the quota would be double should i failed to pay on that day. she was there at that time, and without second thought she loaned me the money and i paid the fine... got myself out of trouble because of her.... indeed a rare sight, especially the days of late when the hearts of people were darkened with selfishness and greed... thus when she announced her decision to retire at the start of this year, we tried our very best to plead for her staying, or at least delay her plans.. yet destiny decides everything, tearing this relationship asunder, ignoring our pleas... and when she left with her car yesterday, these thoughts were in me... she is the first teacher whom i actually sent a happy new year card, she is the first teacher whom i actually spilled y secrets to, she is the first teacher whom advised me not to narrow down my scope of relations, she is the first teacher whom i actually revered more than those of my bloodline, she is the first teacher whom i actually hugged without anyone asking... now that she is gone from us forever, we might as well brace ourselves, and not lamenting it for too long, for we have a challenge at hand, and we shall embrce it, presevere, determine and ultimately prevail... when an event ends, it becomes a tale; when a tale dies, it becomes a legend; when a legend dies, it becomes a myth; when a myth dies, it is forgotten..nevertheless her passing only marked the departure of her in a corporeal sense, her ethereal legend and legacy will endure in our hearts forever, never to be erased by the high winds of time... -- the archknight, 28th february 2009, 9.13p.m. January 23 of definition in the terms of legitimacythe concept of legitimacy has been etched to my own mind ever since when i was a young kid, and until now, even now, when im just less than 4 months away from turning 17, i still do not forget this concept...
defined rather differently depending on the terms one is using, it nonetheless meant "an entity of authority which is recognised by the law". besides that, it also means a lineage, parentage, bloodlines, inheritance in the terms which is acknowledged. it is an extremely powerful word, which can be used by individuals to either bestow or to deny someone of their rights -- only the legitimate heir could ascend to the throne... only the legitimate players are entitled to the championship.. etc. defying this concept has been one of the main reason for many dynastic or family struggles for inheritance, glory and power...
if one is to say, in our terms, what defines the boundary which falls under this concept? the answer..very simple: only 3 criterias to fulfil, much less than those of even higher authorities, as this thing will only affect those who are under a club or association... the first, is the recognition from the teacher advisors, their recognition always spell certain meaning in the decision of the votes.. secondly, support from the seniors with almost the same reason mentioned beforehand.. the third and the last, support from the students and the others for your leadership to be stable and without any trouble... and preferably two thirds of majority.. as simple majority would not suffice
for long all presidents or chairman of the clubs and associations are chosen under these conditions... yet in this year, (now enters the offensive part) there is one who attempted to challenge this concept and invoked the anger and hatred of many of the form 5 people. this girl, i will not address her directly in the name, as in my style of addressing people, thus in this case, she will be known as the 'elven princess', the former (or rather still present) companion of the archbishop himself.. listed below will be among those things in which she had done in order to place herself right on the pinnacle of the associations or clubs she joined...
i) forging cordial relations with the teachers, ensuring things will go well on her behalf, at least not without any trouble...
explanation: this one is narrated to me by a dozen people, and even the elven queen is aware of it, only that she does not even bother to take heed of those words of warning... as in the year of 2008, she has been reported to play traunt on many meetings of the uniform associations... only to accompany someone. this also happened during chess meetings, where she was reported to have disappeared to the open hall (same reason as before) after she submitted her cocurriculum book... what pact has been dealt is not known to us, but suffice to say, it has enabled to worm her way out of trouble, way too much...
the archknight's point of view: while maintaining relations with teachers is always good, but when someone is using it for his or her own profit, then it must be checked at times to prevent he or she from becoming too powerful and beyond control....
ii) requesting or threatening others to vote for her in all high offices, as well as 'using' others as stepping stones
explanation: the very act which undermined the meaning of "justice" and "democracy", which all strived. as early as this morning it has been reported that she toyed a form 4 guy who took a liking or devoted to her for a long time (again, the reason is unknown) to bring as many of his friends to the same club or association in which she joined to vote for her.. what for? if she is really good (which 9 out of 10 seriously doubt it, whether openly or backstab), then even if she did nothing to consolidate her advantage all will still vote for her despite lack of advantage... secondly, it was reputed (lately proven) that during the annual grand meetings she either asked the juniors to vote for her, or threatened them... to her fury, her gambit failed during the sports house annual grand meeting, and i was told that she flamed at them...
the archknight's point of view: threaten the others for your own advatageous ends? what for? you try to do it only to make yourself even more hated by the general populace..secondly, this undermines the concept of liberty and the rights of others to choose their desired leaders for themselves...furthermore, the juniors do not have a clear picture of all the people who are capable of doing great wonders and miracles, as the prefects took all the glory for themselves due to their higher status.. while some are really capable to be entrusted of the task, some are just there to show off...
III) filing protests against the decisions made by the past seniors
explanation: her ultimate tactic, used on the annual grand meeting for unifrom association on 21st january 2009. widely known to be desiring posts or lust and craved for power, which can be concluded as power-hungry or power-concious, it is of no wonder that the very moment she got wind that the seniors of the past year did not assign any posts to her at all, she went berserk, such that she launched a backstabbing act against the decision made by the seniors, claiming that the seniors choose the board members based on the friendship, not on the terms of merit.. ironically, due to the first tactic she used the teacher advisors were naturally easily convinced and thus the previous decisions made by the seniors were rendered illegitimate or void, which culminated in the reelection of the board.. the worst backstab came after -- the supposed-to-be-president is now under her authority, being the assistant secretary...
the archknight's point of view: usually the seniors are the ones who know the members best, not the teacher advisors. thus, any decision made by the seniors to determine the new members of the board is always based on their knowledge and image on the person in question, not in friendship.. for the sake of the club or association itself i personally believed that the seniors will never choose a person who will lead them to ruin in the future. as a conclusion, the decisions and recommendations made by the seniors are usually the best proof of authority and choice... perhaps even surpass the teachers' eyes... as for her who is denied from having any post, she should actually think back and reflect herself, she played traunt throughout the past only to meet her bf... (and i clearly understand that there is absoultely no fault in his part, who actually fell victim to her diabolical schemes) thus, how could the seniors actually see the quality that was in her?
suffice to say, these 3 things are her procedures to pave her way to power -- the ultimate dream of hers... her 'spell' invoked charmed many until some have not awakened, the archbishop is one of those, as he still spoke to her defense this morning when almost half the students of 5S1 proposed a motion or vote of no confidence against her. if this is the case, personally i think that she should be extremely grateful to him, who is still willing to defend her despite the 'uprising' against her.. to the stage that all of us called him 'feeder'... yet to the lament of many and the fury of all, at the end of july last year she betrayed him in favor for others, and it is still the case now.. her diabolical desire for power will prove catastrophic should her onslaught is allowed to be remained unchecked...i do not fear for myself, but i fear for those who are under her, be it prefect or otherwise...
at the same time, i would like to pay great respect to those who attempted to resist her arrogant onslaught or nature, most notably the thinker... (or master biologist if you wish to address her as such) despite losing her post, she persevered, fought extremely hard to defend the others from being denied of any post (this included the high master, who was actually promoted) with the darkening of hearts as age grows, it is a rare sight to see someone who is so noble who could sacrifice herself to fulfil the wishes or defend for the others... truest regards of salutations i shall convey...
at the end, i would like to express my most sincere apologies to those who i inadvertantly offended, notably the archbishop who defended her still.... i do understand your thoughts and devotions for her, and it is one loyal thought which by right should be recognised or reciprocated, but unfortunately denied, however for the sake of justice and the rights of people who are deprived the right to vote, as well as protecting them from being ruined and come under the torment.. objections must be done...
by the way, as i adjourn this rather lengthy post, i would like to wish everyone happy chinese new year!!!!
written by the archknight, 23th january 2009, 11.36p.m. |
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