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August 27 of the failure of courage and honesty to the hearttwo months have gone past since i last posted here, thus one may ask me for the reason of posting today. it is simple -- simply because i have another story to tell, and to narrate of my sights upon it upon reflection. this time it is my own story from the mind, however, not some other events which i have seen on other people and i express my own insights towards that particular event... it is not, but this time i will need your insights or in simpler terms, opinions on this matter... a dilemma which has haunted the mind of the archknight for the past 2 weeks, threatening to tear his focus apart...
on 15th august 2009, on behalf of answering the request of the order of the 5 and some other 'collaborators', i made myself present on an event despite my own misgivings prior to that moment. if you ask me what the event was, this one i will not answer, as most of the others would have narrated the story for that event on their behalf or from their angle. as i have aforementioned, this is solely a story of my own, and i do not want to take on the tales of others to add in here...
as usual, that day was as usual, unlike any other, until an hour almost the end at least.for at that very hour when all arise from their seats to engage themselves in their dances and so on, i stood right the center, looking at the whole hall, silent. there i saw her once again, looking at her friends who were mostly dancing in front of the stage.... and then something went to trouble me, for i do not know whether i should ask her at all... (for what reason, i choose not to tell, for those who know, kindly keep it in your mind) this expression, which was obvious in my face as an expression, was quickly seen through by both the archbishop and the judge, who promptly asked me to go ahead and make the request
it was one which i hesitated to, one which i do not have the courage to face, it was indeed one.. that will make me reflect this utter weakness...
in the end i mustered forth my courage and went to ask her, however it was too late -- the time of departure has arrived, and right at my eyes, she left...
that was 3.59p.m., and at that moment it was raining. rain, its presence was somehow (to me) as though as singing my laments and despairing thoughts, which i promptly reflected when i reached home.. a thought which would haunt me for 2 weeks...
"are you brave enough to actually know what you want, and to pursue it with your own hands?"
"do you ever looked into the depth of your heart, and listened to its pleas and requests?"
"if so, what makes you hesitates to [ursue or to request or to covet what you have desired or wanted?"
no answer from my mind. yet one of the questions was answered, though not knowingly, by none other than the shinigami herself, which answered my own question in a manner which can described as a needle which draws blood in a prick (id est. straight forward)
"do you know what is your own predicament? you are not honest towards your own heart. nor you trusted it.."
"is it so?"
"yes, i have observed you for this past year, and i do not understand, how come you deny your own potential when it is so apparent in our eyes? why don't you pursure your desires which your heart commands? why turn back on it?"
turn back? now i know, and i understnad, that it was because of fear that impeded my pursuit of my desires... now, one may ask, fear of what?
i feared the insights of many others, who used to sneer at many of my efforts, as well as most of my works here. "long", "incomprehensible" are among the words they use. yet don't they know my own style? secondly, i feared the consequences that may befall should i fail, thus i think too much whenever i wanted to decide upon something, just like the aforementioned case, by the time i have made up my mind, the chance is gone...
thus the first part of this story has ended, now for the second part...
on 22nd of august 2009, i have attended the farewell for the form 5 seniors from the chinese club. there we had barbecue for dinner, after that we had a great time taking pictures and stuff... (the pictures are uploaded on this site as well, do take a look at it) all sorts of fun were there...
yet, the focus of this part of the tale was not of it, it was of something else...
rather unexpected, the shinigami showed up, and throughout that evening i narrated my experience on photography, as well as grudges with certain people (like one who backstabbed all of us during that fateful session), including the past memories....
the touching part, however, was when she offered a lift to my grandma's house, considering the late of timing for that day...
i thought over it, why? why one who is not even of my distant bloodline, one whom i frequently insulted and expressed of my grudges against, would do such a thing?
once again, i have yet to discover the answer to this question, thus i need your views on this matter. again she commented that i refused to face my own heart and instincts, which leads to missing many opportunities in life, true or not? yet to be answered...
this chapter of my tale ends here, and as the trials officially commences next week, i hereby wish that all of you can score well in this "examination of destiny", where all our skills will be put into the test...
the archknight, 27th august 2009, 4.17p.m.
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