in fact, this week was rather eventful, especially if you want to count the celebration of the elven queen pn.khoo’s 53^rd birthday on the 26^th july…

she is so dedicated in our tutelage, to such an extent that we decided to honor her for one day to appreciate her teachings, that is through a celebration of her birthday. I will not narrate the entire event here as other people or even you all would have taken the credit of narrating it.

instead i resolved to tell a story: which is a symphony of grief, pain, agony and depression.

besides being our maths and add maths teacher, pn.khoo is also somehow indirectly my mentor in ways of life, as well as a councilor, who will answer my doubts to the utmost confidence.. (i know that this is getting a bit too much, but this is the truth)

recently the warmth of sunlight has somehow diminished, and this has caused the light of the moon to be diminished of her grace as well. i looked, and somehow i felt that there is no warmth left in my own eyes, the sudden change of the weather has caused illness to arise, and it nearly struck me…

coupled up with the ceremony of appointment of the prefects and such… it deals grievous pain to me, and i felt the urge to breach my eye barrier. yet, i thought of her – pn.khoo at the last minute, one who can answer my doubts, and so i resolved to converse with her in private.

“It is sometimes good for guys to cry, but if you are scared that your friends will actually laugh at you, then do it secretly.”

“It is true that we are somehow taught that guys must be more powerful than others, but for mat salleh, they don’t seem to mind at all…”

"You shouldn't get yourself too excited easily, and you must try to talk slower. You are aware of your weakness, thus try to take control of it."

these words are said to me. i narrated to her about my plight, which has plagued me for days and torturing me with intense agony. to make matters worse, the agony is not corporeal, but ethereal, hence unable to be touched at all…

and so i told her about it, regarding things which are somehow corroding my senses. In reply she said to me,

“If you truly liked a person, then you must show your best qualities to him or her. Helpfulness and kindness are the two best qualities that man can possess. Do use it wisely and try to comply to the request of your friends should they need help. However, if you think that you are not appreciated, then you should think of not bothering to help them the next time.”

not appreciated? somehow i feel so, as i have thought deep, that some people like the enchantress took the advantage of using me. the best part was that, when there is anything in hand, they will use me for help, and that is even if they wanted to. If there is nothing, who cares of what i think?

as the conversation went on, I narrated more and more of my story, and she gave me another few words,

“To tell the truth, I somehow disagree with your theory of “girls won’t like guys who are not bad at all”, even though many agree that it is true. I, for one, never like it. If you like her, then you must know of what she likes, then work hard, strive to contain the quality in you.”

upon saying this, she stopped, as though as she knew that she went a bit overboard, then she continued,

“In this time of your life, do not narrow your sight down to only one or two. Make a variety of friends, the more the merrier. What is the point of torturing yourself with such matters? Remember that at your age, knowledge and studies matters the most. “

i instantly agreed, to me actually this doesn’t matter. what i worry more is of the archbishop’s case, whose relation is now coming to the brink of endgame…

he came to me this morning, and he told me that his heart is near to being shattered. reason? his g/f somehow seemed to have “ditched” him or any word similar to it, and he feels so hurt as though as he got the impression that his g/f is a playgirl…

i have been observing them for some time, and i deemed that the archbishop’s devotion is actually both admiration and the desire to defend his beloved from whtever harm that may come. noble is the intent, and his devotion was reciprocated, and so it blossomed throughout the first half of this year, together with some other couples…

thus when i heard this news, i was totally shocked. never did i expect that things will come to such a mess… his heart was so painful, and he asked me for a way of solution…

well, my answer will be that (if you are reading this, it is of my mind) : “regardless of what you think, as if you can still feel the pain, it simply means that your devotion is still there. I will take the same theory from pn.khoo, ‘try to know what she truly likes and work from there’. As I know, her birthday is drawing nigh, thus try to think of something in which you can touch her heart and win back the affection. However, should you fail, you have to get over with it as fast as possible. Try the thought: ‘To love a person is not through possession, and if she is happy of it then let it be. Obviously you will want to see her happy, and will never hope that you win the person but not the heart.’ “

the conclusion of this matter? somehow i can say that he should avoid persisting things that he know very well that he cannot hold it within his grasp anymore, for as a student, there are much more important things for him to deal with, even though deep in my heart, i personally wished that he can win back her affection…

by the way, many of us are appalled by the archduke’s rhetoric, saying to the judge that “talking above love and romantic issues are not good for students at the moment”. the judge listened meekly, and yet ironically, out of all the five, he is now the one “progressing” the furthest, up to the extent of travelling somewhere with the family of his…. (no point saying it, all knew of it)

as a result, now im so vindictive of it that i now put vinegar to most of the food or rather most of the dishes I eat now… maybe I cared too much, maybe I thought too much, but for the case of the archduke… it doesn’t matter to me anyway, as long as i can get a wedding invitation card from the couple that time…

written by the archknight, 26^th july 2008, 9.55p.m.

the first three days of the past week is actually uneventful, unless if you want to count the visit to tv3...

wednesday, a day of excitement. the reason? there was a debate going on during english lesson, and the issue in question is: havign a gf/bf is disastrous to teenagers, which caused a great amount of interest between us. it saw 2 groups sending wave after wave of statements to bothdefend their own stand and as well destroying the opposition's grounds... it also saw everyone worked hard to give out at least a point for their own group, as sweets were given out for every statement spoken. i particularly salute the conclusion from the archduke, in which after a long silence throughout the year, the teachers at last were able to hear his voice spaking out his own opinions. in addition, we were allowed to give out our own judgements regarding the matter, as a journal writing was given... although the verdict was "equally matched", we actually gained a lot of knowledge regarding the matter...

thursday saw some bad news, as pn.hasliza told us that we were going to discuss our plans for the 2nd bm oral test, which everyone disliked. i was put into charge of a drama and now having a hard time dealing with it, in face of the lackadaisical attitude of the 5...

in fact, of all the group presentation that we are bound to watch the next week, the one group of debate is the one i am most interested in...for 2 reasons. the 1st is that, i am always very fascinated in the ways of debating, although i still do not know their issue. the second reason... i will leave it to all of you people to guess out, apparently you all will know it immediately...

now i know, even though when something is done, there is always other things in store for us to deal with. thus we must be forever vigilant against the "surprise atks" from the teachers...

friday, our mood wee spoiled for the whole day as en.amran, the pkbp teacher, walked on to the stage and admonished us for no apparent reason. for 14 minutes of time length he admonsihed us regarding our complaints regarding the difference between normal students and the pkbp ones... he was so enraged that all of us can hear wht he actually said without a mic, the mic apparently was there just to amplify his already loud voice...

then pn.margaret walked up the stage and further reprimanded us regarding the detriorating discipline. not knowing wht has happened, until pn.khoo elven queen gave us the revelation of it... 2 things happened yesterday...

first, an ex-student somehow inadvertantly parked his car right at the parking lot of the principal, which was sensitive issue for her (for some unknown reason it seems). apparently when she came back to school from a meeting, she found out that her parking lot was occupied. in fit of rage she parked her car right in front of it, effectively obstructing the car from getting out....

the ex-student, now enraged, went to the office and shouted at everyone there... he did not hearken to any advice given to him, and when the principal refused to give in by moving her car away with the pretext of being busy at the moment... he was so angered that he threatened to bang her car.

now is the turn for the principal to get angry, and she resolved to lodge a police report. still the ex-student was obstinate, even when he saw the police patrol car in front of him. the teachers pleaded him to give in, and all they wanted was that he apologise to the principal. initially he refused, but when he was further persuaded only he gave in, and apologized grudgingly... thus ending the conflict

2nd issue, some form 2 students took the advantage of teacher's absence and entered another class, and they did something just short of "gangraping" or "sodomy". why is it so? they somehow (according to pn.khoo) they stripped the boy's shirt, trousers and etc.. until that "the way to the throne is nearly clear". she did not explain this matter with an explicit manner, much to our disappointment, but she said that the guys were somehow suspended for a few days....

the archknight's remark on these matters: sometimes most of us, when involved in some kind of conflict, refused to give in due to our dignity. we will somehow feel "no face" should we do so. actually there is no need to feel so, as sometimes laying down our pride provides us a way of retreat. if we know that we are indeed wrong in the first place, then we should give in and apologise, no harm on doing that, but you will actually earn respect from everyone, including your adversaries...

of the "gangraping" issue, the hearts of teenagers it seems, are more and more difficult to discern of their thoughts. i myself is a teenager as well, and thus suspectible to various influences that clouds my judgement. with the advent of tv shows from the western countries which mainly promotes coolness, violence, and all those not supposed to be exposed to teenagers, as well as adult books & movies, 3rd degree shows and movies etc. actually corrupted their minds to the core... to such an extent that they can do such things without feeling remorse in them.. it is of no wonder that pn.khoo said before: humans are actually of beast-like nature, it is suppressed due to knowledge and wisdom, and should we forsake it, our monstrous nature will once again prevail and we will lose our humanity, and ultimately our sanity will be scoured....

as said beforehand, i am also a teenager, thus is no exception of the rule. though i wield high degree of knowledge and wisdom, there are still times in which it fails to control my desires and lust, and i did something inacceptable, deragotary, rude, foolish and such.. (in reference of the misdeed i committed on the 24th of may 2008, you will know better)..

back to the tale...

later pn.nadatul explained to us another shocking story: the reasn of en.amran's anger this morning...

apparently pn.nadatul spoke to him regarding the rules, in which all must abide. this includes the ban of usage of handphones, in which en.amran refused to hearken to it. the arguments worsened, and eventually pn.nadatul dared en.amran to walk up to the stage and state that pkbp students are entitled to several privileges, such as coming late to school, usage of handphones and such... much to the anger of other students... as it was of this reason that pn.nadatul actually consulted en.amran in the first place, and the outcome was not only he, as the head of pkbp yet subordinate to pn.nadatul in disciplinary matters, refused to hearken to the advice, but insisted in that pkbp students, though still obliged to abide the rules, is entitled to certain privileges..

thus that morning he stood on the stage and admonished us for 14 minutes.......

i thought of this matter once again: many people dislike pn.nadatul as the discipline teacher, including me, however how many of us actually knew the stress of this job? she strived to adhere to her principles, which is trying to be fair towards everyone, and thus to appease the discontentment of many students regarding pkbp students' usage of handphones and other things that we are normally not allowed to do such as coming late to school, she actually discussed with en.amran regarding the matter and enraged the latter. how many discipline teachers actually will go to such extents for the sake of us ???

and yet we are ingrateful of her best efforts, from the guarding of the school gate to prevent the students to escape "illegally" from cocurriculum activites, to catching students talking during assembly, she did her best to maintain the discipline in the school, despite our complaints, curses and so... as said before, how many discipline teachers will actually do that ?

that's why when lady carrine the viscountess said in her blog that pn.nadatul is going to transfer to ipoh, (i knew of this matter beforehand, but she gave a detailed explaination, refer to her blog for it... credit goes to her) i was shocked, remorse came to me... her best efforts of maintaining discipline in school was mocked by many people, including me. we cursed, mocked, and shown our disrespect to her.... and despite all this, she was undaunted, and continued carrying out her duties as though as nothing happened, i felt ashamed of my own foolishness....

as for en.amran's stand, one must know his reason of his rage. as the archpriestess has said to me before, "there are always things you cannot assume at all, investigate first before you accuse me of anything i did" (it still etched in my mind, though said 18 months before). en.amran's sudden rage surprised us all, though not without reason. first, he was standing at the welfare of pkbp students, who are impaired physically and mentally, thus unable to carry out activities normally like we do. in order to ease their distress and situation, the rules are somehow not as strict as the rules are on us (the privileges), although they are still students of smkdp and are obliged to abide the school rules still. so when pn.nadatul asked en.amran to ban the usage of handphones for pkbp students, he will actually think that she is stripping them of their easiest way of communication....

secondly, some of us are not content with all these "privileges", and compared themselves with the pkbp students. this is actually madness, and before i continued discussing on why this is madness, i will want to define that to compare, one must have 2 things of similar traits with a just view of comparison, or else comparison is utterly impossible....

from this definition perhaps some will tell me, that they are both human, but have different levels of intelligence and strength… this is where comparison is utterly impossible, the just view of comparison rule... in this case, there are differences in which it can vary in accordance to different points of view, which will ultimately rendered the comparison obsolete, as many of us compare in a biased manner.... (kindly please comment in this particular section, as i desire to improve my ways of defining certain words)

he was so enraged because he perceived that we, who have a complete body and self, still being ungrateful by comparing the privileges of the pkbp students whom they are by right entitled with. we don't need it because we can have many alternatives in dealing with certain matters, and yet some of us seek to be as imperfect as the pkbp students are by questioning it. obviously he is angry with it..... may those people think about it carefully

as said, my mood for the rest of the day was spoiled, and that night i went to the night market alone, without expecting to meet anyone i know. howver, fate somehow will create wonders of its own, i met pn.khoo with her vegetable trolley behind, and she asked me for the reason of wandering alone, and i answered that im just bored... we talked for a while and we took different paths...

recently, i have been setting my sights upon the relationship matters once again, hoping to understand, define, analyse, interpret and finally make a conclusion out of it, and somehow i was blessed by a pair of eyes with the mind of discerning meanings through an image, act or happenings, and some asked me, that won't i get myself hurt when i know the truth, especially regarding things about the archpriestess.... i answered,

"If you have been expecting something like this all the while, it will leave little impact on you, but when this comes unexpectedly, it will shatter your heart, just as it nearly breaks mine. Thus I resolved to hide everything deep in my mind, only the 5 will know it... "

at least now my mind is protected, but now i become very vindictive of whtever relationships within my sight, especially when it is in close distance... some im not interested in, some i paid close attention, but to all i will only say 1 thing, which is i pray that their relationship can last for a long time...

then one asked me again, "wht about you and her, the one in the north, or the one in the eye?"

doesn't matter anymore, i behold the archpriestess as though as she is one of the 5, and towards the one in the north, i perceived her as my mentor. coupled up by the forbidden order from my father, i can now forget about it... though sometimes when there is full moon above the sky, i will think of the archpriestess, and when i listened to the song "a song of storm and fire" or when it's raining, i will think of the holy guardian, who dwells in the north...

and before i end this, i sincerely hope that all can cease to discriminate pn.nadatul and en.amran, wht they do is actually for the welfare of the students....

written by the archknight, 14th july 2008, 8.10p.m.