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June 28 of the one individual who prizes her treasures above the lives of sons and daughters true enough, i had once again did something sinful, this time shattering a plastic elephant which is rather important for the feng shui formations for the house in order to harbour the auras of prosperity and such... of course i held myself guilty, yet i will never express this feeling openly (one thing which no one can actually understand the reason, nor i will actually reveal it anyway, discover it yourself if you ever bother to do so...) deep within my heart remorse exists, and i thought of buying some super glue to repair the damage done... however, there is something that happened soon after that really angers me, though because of her i was forced to suppress it within my heart. it was then my mother asked me, "did you know how much this cost or not?" what on earth?! so now she value the cost of this treasures more than the lives of her son... considering i cut my finger at that moment. for that particular moment, rage and anger mastered my remorse, and i decided to just walk away, disregarding any word that she hurled at me... it was just a precursor to the explosion which at any rate it may happen... for long i have suppressed the anger and hatred towards her for the lack of attention she gave... true enough, i cannot deny the fact that she was the very person who bestowed me my very life 17 years and 49 days ago, i cannot deny the fact that throughout these years she took great care of me in a corporeal sense. corporeally i was protected from harm... also my requests and wishes she tried her best to fulfill it. i cannot deny the fact that -- without her, my life cannot be sustained by any means... if that's the case, some may ask, why the anger and hatred? the reason is simple, if she thinks that she knew every side of me, whether corporeally or ethereally, then it is a grave assumption, for it is never true. seriously, apart from fulfilling my needs physically and did everything for me, i wished to ask a question: did she ever attempt to fathom my own thoughts and mind? i seriously doubt it... for hardly there is time for doing so... out of the 168 hours a week, 56 hours were spent for sleeping, 70 hours for work. what about the balance 52 hours? 16 hours of completing both housework and office work, and for the rest 36 hours spent for television... hehe, when one is on work one will never want to be disturbed, this is understandable.. however, 36 hours spent on television without even bother to attempt to understand how the minds of her children work of late is simply preposterous!!! just imagine these following replies... "there is something i wished to ask you of it?" "go ask your father about it..." "there is something i wished to tell you..." "don't you see that i'm busy watching TV?" or "don't you see that i'm busy with work?" sometimes it just get even better... like "refusing to think after dinner" and such.. alright, i agree that one must rest after sustaining 10 hours of stress and fatigue... thus i tried not to trouble her with my matters whenever i could... yet, of late i think she gained the impression that i do not need anyone to listen to my plight, as others will listen... or even better, my mind remained calm... condemn such a thought! from the past until this moment, i personally thought that parents are all-knowing such that i do not need to reveal anything for them to get a hint out of it... secondly, whenever i attempted to ask her for counsel and reason, what did i get in return?! nothing other than despairing and spirit-breaking comments!!! i can tell you this, it is the main reason for my choice of occluding and shrouding my mind from her eyes at all, which is to say, unless father tells her, she will never know what is going on between me... she mentioned this to me numerous times before, "you people are driving me mad!!" to this i wished to retaliate with a sentence of my own -- "i think i will be admitted into an asylum before you do!" which is actually true to a certain extent... facing her intensifies my already great stress, as i could find no shelter and counsel nor any word of advice... instead i get a hell out of it! that question of cost mentioned above, actually confirmed my doubts -- one could be that realistic to the extent of beholding the worth of things of fortune above the lives of others... a dead substance's worth which surpassed the worth of a living... a superstitious mindset than a living yet remain functional mindset... frustrated and angered i am.. if that's the case, there is nothing wrong to exact my expression of rage and displeasure of it! let the archknight ask this question, apart from fulfilling my needs, is there any attempt in you to approach me with questions of care and mind-caring? i will never deny that father did it frequently, yet as for her... if she ever dared to say "yes".... with proof, then i plead myself guilty. however, for the past 3 years i have evidently failed to perceive it. how many things about me apart from my favourites she knew? less than half, i can presume. thus do not blame me if she said that i treat her as though as i treat a stranger... it is almost the same... since she hardly bother to know me in terms of my mind.. then why should i reveal my thoughts to her.. and without hope of being counselled wisely, only to suffer a hell of reprimandings... thus when she said that "do not call me as your mother from now on, you are no son of mine!" i never feel shocked, as i have long expected it... this relationship has already detriorated to such a degree that we are mutually estranged from each other. i turned myself into books and wisdom, as well as the making of friends and notably, the writing of "The Legend of the Order". it is just because i still hold respect to her at times that i have never seriosuly exploded yet. it will soon come to pass, for she never understand some of my darkest emotions of late never before she asked of the purpose for me to write "The Legend of the Order", thinking it as something preposterous and time-wasting, nor i bothered to actually waste my time to explain of it. secondly... she blamed me for holing up in my room all day, again never understanding the reason...never she asked me why did i use the word "archknight" as my nickname? had she knew it long ago, do i need to keep everything in my heart? do i need to suppress my rage and emotions without knowing where to release it? do i need to reveal my secrets to everyone else for advice and counsel without her knowing? do i need to avoid her knowledge about my whereabouts all the time? the answer -- i do not think i need to.... 17 years... the last 5 years is like a dormant volcano, i myself am unsure of when it will erupt, causing the ultimate momentum and damage... this suppression and occlusion is taking a heavy toll on me, tormenting me both corporeally and ethereally, yet none could understand. as such, i could only turn to the five for aid and guidance, from there i manage to seek what i wished for... if this carries on, i think she will really drive me to the brink of insanity...:( the archknight, 28th june 2009, 10.14p.m. |
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