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November 15 of the remaining of the last daysof late if anyone noticed, somehow i seem to listen to one same song only.. without even changing for hours. for what reason i do that?
very simple.. becoz the song riled my mind. which is to say, it made me recall someone (not of the five).. that song was entitled "destiny - taiyou no hana" which literally meant "flower of the sun" (if im not mistaken) it somehow made me recalled everything that is associated, in terms of almost everything that have something to do with the very person i related.. besides that, the grief, sorrow, despair and anger in me were also expressed in it..
as everyone knows, this week was the last week of school for the year of 2008, and it will never return, only serves as a legacy in the meories of all...
the elven queen is a torture to many, as on the pretext of "next year we might not have enough time, we mus rush through some topics for form 5", she made up draw straight lines and graphs, as well as calculating equation of lines.. no harm for that, all right, but one must be lazy for a few days before one can really relax in the holidays, can't she just understand our needs?
anyway besides the elven queen herself, practically there were no lessons throughout the week (except lessons of the pearl if you want to count) hence many of us resorted to other games, most notably chessand cards. one interesting note is that on thursday i was playing cards with the archduke and 2 other girls, and all of a sudden the elven queen entered the class, which means we were caught in the act.. (ouch!)
fortunately she said nothing, only this conversation went on...
"if playing for fun then it's ok.. no playing with $$"
"teacher, we don't gamble with $$, we only play for fun.."
"then good, ask the prefects whether is it allowed or not.." (by right it is forbidden)
"no need.."
"why?"
"very simple, cause there are already 2 prefects playing with us already.."
she left the class rather speechless, only we had to promise her not to gamble with money at anytime. as one know, i myself is not a gambler at any rate, but why she suspect me as though as i'm one... i have no idea at all, since it is a proven theory that the minds of females are difficult to understand (while the minds of males are nearly impossible to comprehend..)
how will you feel if you are denied of something within sight, whether direct or indirect? it seemed to me that too many people advised me not to think of it, as it is driving me mad, extremely mad... there are times where people approached me and told me not to trust certain people (though of late it is targeted against one, with three of the five agreed) again i thought of this issue, under what terms can one hold a relationship true. trust? no longer, as people nowadays are so cunning that they can deceive you without you even knowing. respect? perhaps, and i shall really take it into consideration. straight? a most important criteria, as anyone who attempted to tell something by twist and turning can be suspected as trying to cheat or deceive..
in fact, the term "deny" i have seen too many times, from defense of the ancients to the denying of people of late, it is surely driving me out of reason and logic.. true enough, i'm aware that conservative and ruthless i am, with a flame too unpredictable which have the tendency to inflict big damage in terms of the feelings of others... so it is an ordinary response to ordinary people to deny me of almost everything...
i have to admit, that i do not show my feelings easily to others, nor i'm soft to anyone. i occlude my own thoughts and feelings deep within me, unwilling to share it with everyone lest betrayal occurs, and this is the part where people could never understand -- while the skin protects the corporeal body from the extremities of weather and heat, so as the mind occludes the deepest and darkest thoughts deep within to protect the ethereal soul from being hurt...
for long it has protected me from the greatest harms one can inflict, shielded me from being shattered both corporeally and ethereally. however of late, in the advice of the elven queen i started to bridge the minds of different ideologies and thoughts so as to embark on a diplomacy with people.. yet my different thoughts and eccentric styles do not make the beidging perfect, and as a result a rift always appears... is it a wonder now?
another theory that has been tested long by me is that "girls will not like guys who are not bad in nature". after observations for almost the whole year, i found out that it is somehow true... just observe those who are usually up to some sort of mischief, they tend to be very popular with the opposite gender. besides this, coolness and ability to commit mutual bridging of minds served as a decisive factor as well. it is proven and i actually discussed it with the elven queen months before, however she disagreed,
"i disagree with you, take me as an instance, i dislike guys who are bad or mischievous or even evil... i prefer those who are kind-hearted, considerate, understanding... why subject yourself to torture by trying to win the heart of a guy who is evil in nature?"
i don't understand also, and i'm in an attempt to answer this question convincingly to my own conscience. perhaps it will not be answered in a short time, no one will know. frankly who bothers to think of it.... but ne thing i have to remember, there is a generation gap betwen the elven queen and myself, and any thoughts in regards of these issues surely will have conflict and rifts in within, as two minds can hardly agree in unison in this, as the minds are influenced by the social norm of their respective times, it is different in her time compared to now... perhaps i will need to ask anyone of you here for answers ultimately..
and, before i end my note here, there is one thing i just want to say -- the first chapter of the story has been posted last night, for those who want to read it, or just want to know, here is the link: www.fivespires.blogspot.com if you happened to read it, kindly comment on it so that i can improve on it, as well as refining my writing skills to a higher degree -- the archknight, 15th november 2008, 4.36p.m.
November 08 of the ceremony of graduation of the form 5 seniorsthird time of this year... for wht? the answer is simply obvious, as one can see it at my heading -- the third time to feel the word of "sundering".. the leaving of the seniors... whom i have seen since i was form 1. they are just one year my senior, and yet when they actually leave.. it is so difficult to describe with words alone...
even though some of them i begrudged during the different time frames throughout the last 4 years, yet at the end of this frame i discovered that there is no such thing as true grudges.. as all are true to each other in terms of a friend, nothing less, nor nothing more... thus when i came down to watch the ceremony on thursday, as a tribute to my own memory i took down as many photos of them as possible, since it is ten to one that i will not see them again throughout my life (unless it's fated)
however i sensed something different in them. even though it is a graduation ceremony which actually means sundering among each other is inevitable, there was no sign of grief or any kind of regrets.. perhaps they had their best memories of lightwaves for their 5 years of relation. they were rather happy, full of joy when they took the photo with their classmates or friends even though they knew it full well that it may be the last photo they take together... perhaps they know the concept, that with true memories in the heart, the legacy of their friends shall live forever in their hearts, and not even the high winds of time can erase it.
it also gave me a countdown moment -- in a year's time it will be my turn to feel the sundering among friends. how would it feel? as it has not happened yet, no point answering the question now. however, can i withstand tthe grief that comes when the ceremony adjourns?
long have i thought since thursday, and the answer that came to me is that.. i can't. why? just imagine myself seperating with friends of mine, it is surely unbearable. and this is also with an ordinary friends to whom i harbored no great love or care toward.. thus if i am to leave the order of the five behind, i think i'll cry... it is not for me to withstand such a strong emotion in which i know no point hiding it, as said by the elven queen months before, "you will feel better if you cry.."
the high winds of time flipped its wings too fast, that i cannot catch up with its pace.. however at the least i understand that i have one year's time to accomplish and complete whatever things that i should do for the others ere the inevitable arrives.. 400 days left if you want to include the spm period next year, which equal to 9600 hours... and within this time period one can heal the damage, or cause further damage to a person...
i got to admit, throughout the 1406 days since i entered this secondary school, even though i befriended many, yet i hurt the feelings and shattered the hearts of equally many as well... together owing the hearts of many. the order of the five are often my support for the ethereal part of myself, yet i raged at them as often as i could... taking them for granted. it is of one thing in which i couldn't suppress, but fortunately for me they are the one who can really fathom my thoughts and they helped me all the times, even in the darkest tides... with this one year i take oath that i shall treat them as good as i can, more than the others.
besides the order of the five, there are a few others in which ifelt that i owed them... with the remaining 400 days i shall attempt to counter-balance it... the one i felt most obligated to counter-blance is the one incident in which i felt guilty is that incident in which i defied my own principles and did the unforgivable. that incident is still fresh in my wave of memory, serving as a sharp mirror to my darker nature, and i have failed to forgive myself for doing that. with a photo as the evidence and "memorial", i kept reminding myself not to give in to my own heart anymore, but to listen to reason and logic... even though i was forgiven right after that incident, i naturally felt obligated not to shatter the heart anymore, and i will ensure this... (and ironically i failed for another time, in a will to express my own prowess.. ) that i will never take others as a shield of arrows to pave way for my own mastery and knowledge...
i got to personally agree, that the elven queen is kind beyond reckoning... i was in trouble yesterday in order to get my things done and get away from it... yet i couldn't. just when i thought all is too late and lost, she came to my help -- lending me the help i greatly needed, with a promise that i return the favor one day... she instantly agreed, and got me out of trouble (i think the archduke will know what im referring to) a great counsellor, a great savior, a great teacher, a great mentor and ultimately a great friend... i think most of you will agree in this..
as time is so constraint that i have to finish my moral work, thus i will adjourn my note here, but not before a notice.. the story of mine will be posted of the first chapter on the 14th or 15th of november.. the link will be posted on my next post, which will be on the next saturday about this time, or slightly earlier.
and by the way, this weekend marked the 16th birthday of two person, one is the high master, while the other is the viscountess. the former on today, while the latter is tomorrow... thus as a friend of the both of you, with my truest wishes i wish the both of you, "happy 16th birthday!!"
"when memories come to you as a reflection of the past, do not fear it when the memory reflects your darkest times. instad, embrace it and serve it as a reference for the future. when it comes and reflects the sundering, remember the world is round and whenever one embarks on a straight journey he will ultimately reutrn. the waves of emories is eternal, the high winds of time can never fully erase the marks of it, it can only blur the markings. thus, hold true to your memories, as they are the truest freinds inethereal terms to you..." -- the archknight, 8th november 2008, post adjourns 8.26 p.m. November 01 of the voice of the high master and the sounds of objectionhave one ever wondered besides the use of speech and language as a mean to communicate and express our own feelings, is there any other means to do so? for long i've thought of this, and i deemed that nothing else could do that.. yet, as i encountered certain different individuals.. i thought that it was otherwise..
of late i read an essay of the high master in regards of someone who influenced his life, and even though it is not perfect in terms of language, the truth and touching moments in it will surely soften the core of a person.. i sighed, even gone soft though usually i won't... the words indirectly expressed grief, gratefulness, lamenting the destiny that has befallen... even though the score was not that high.. it is a worthy attempt to express a true feeling -- true to the heart, true to the mind, true to the soul...
among some of his words greatly riled my mind... "... relatives has said that i have robbed of all my brother's intelligence..." or "..he cannot speak, hence unable to express his own feelings.." it came to me that although many of these cases have been reported, the high master's case is the only one that i actually seen in face, hence able to feel the similar feeling as he did, (though not exact) why would others envy him for being intelligent and who has the power to deprive or deny a person of his privileges?
sometimes we blame others or any external factors for such a state of affairs.. but did we ever ask ourselves -- did they make the choice or decision to be like that for eternity?? they do not have the choice at all, it is the hand of destiny that shaped the fates and doom of all, with no exceptions... and yet some of the humans are so unethical to the extent of discriminating them.... as a chinese proverb mentioned beforehand, "always God will grant challenge or hardships to an individual as trials in order to prepare him or her for future missions", we by right, should not complain of our own current affairs, but be grateful to it, as not everyone are this "privileged", and use this gift from God to help the others who are less fortunate...
at the end of his essay i was rather touched.. only stopped short of shedding tears.. such was the sentence, "...to be fortunate as to have best friends in the school to communicate with, as well as......... (at the end) if i am given the chance, i will share the knowledge and intelligence with..." so selfless.... so willing to give.. at last i know that certain relationships are true to all who are involved in it, with no restrictions...
if words can be used to express true feelings from a heart, then voices can also be used to express the feelings and opinions for people... as of late, many people greatly objected of my current stance towards certain perceptions.... with reasons of their own, and some are even logical and reasonable enough..
i) "your perceptions are sometimes incomprehensible to the others..." -- the elven queen
ii) "the eccentricity of the mind will effectively scare others from sight" -- the archbishop
iii) "no point making yourself suffer more than you need to, as signs of denial are very apparent to you, that you are not the chosen one" -- the judge
iv) "there is always a time to talk explicitly of these things, but it is strictly not the time now.... don't narrow down your scope" -- a forgotten quote
out of doubt and confusion i sought the elven queen for guidance...
"You are indeed generous.. but do you ever think or expect that it will be reciprocated? Because if not, you are the one who are going to suffer after all.."
"I do not ever expect..."
"Are you sure? Think again..."
as i thought again... actually it is still the case, thus i told her accordingly...
"sometimes you have to close an eye when dealing with things, a blade too straight will never do, as it will hurt or injure a person directly... you will have to be indirect at times.. so as not to let people get humiliated... anyway, you have to open your own mind a bit, as i noticed that others cannot truly comprehend your mind and sight.. eventually when this rift widens, they'll resolve to automatically shut down their insights..."
"it is true that is the case.. however certain times one will need to defend his own mind from being influenced.."
"still i couldn't understand you, why on earth will you help others when you know it very well that they will not reciprocate or return the favor, and even take the advantage on you? as i said before, you can help everyone and be kind to all, but do not bother those who attempted to take advantage on you at any rate.. you torture youself only.."
torturing ownself? i have never thought of it at all... let alone discussing it. of all the friends i have, the order of the five are the only ones i can really trust upon... and they are indeed hinest and straight enough, unlike some people who will deceive and backstab others for their own ends... to such an extent that the elven queen said to me, "you are considered very lucky to have people true to you, brave enough to give advice without fear at all.."
finally she asked me this, "why will you still wait in patience even when you know you are denied of your tower?"
"....because it is not the nature of the archknight to give up easily. The strength and fire in me will guide me through everything I encountered, even the most dire ones..."
"You will know eventually, that strength is not everything...."
probably it will ultimately come true, but at the moment.. forget about it... by the way, i will soon begin to post the story "The Legend of the Order: A Tale of the Spires" very soon, perhaps next week... i will provide the link earlier beforehand, and do comment about it.. as for the photos which some requested for the moral work.. it might be in my photo albums, check out the latest 2... (or even some earlier ones)
and by this note, i make my retreat, the next post will come on the 8th november...
written by the archknight, 1st november 2008, 4.25p.m. |
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